Emily’s World: Curtseying, Saluting, and Sistancing
Completed: 9/14/05
Rated: G
Summary: Emily goes with Josh to the office.
“Just two hours and then we’ll go straight to the zoo.”
She smiles up at me, half teeth, missing teeth, and one hanging on by a thread. It’s the next to go. “Ok.”
“Uncle Sam wants to see you anyway,” I say in an overly cheerful voice, putting my backpack down on the metal detector belt.
“Daddy,” she says, putting hers down behind mine. “It’s ok. I like Uncle Sam’s office. It’s fun here.”
I walk through the metal detector and wait for her to come through. She handles it like a pro and I find myself thinking that most 5 year olds wouldn’t understand metal detectors and somehow, I’ve stolen a little bit of her innocence by making her walk through them. “I know,” I say quietly, handing her backpack back to her. She shrugs it onto her shoulder and takes my hand. “But today’s supposed to be our zoo day.”
She stops walking and tugs on my hand, her way of pulling me down to her level. I crouch down to her and she kisses my cheek. Then she turns and continues walking, tugging me along behind her. “Is this the hallway you fell in?” she asks me a minute later.
I never should’ve told Donna about that. “You always ask me that, you know it is.”
She giggles. “I know,” she sing-songs. Then she turns around. “Mommy says I’m like you.”
“Clumsy?”
“Yes. Smart and cute too though.”
I wiggle my eyebrows. “Mommy says I’m cute?”
She rolls her eyes at me. Should five year-olds know about eye rolling? “Yes, but don’t tell her I told you,” she says, pointing a finger at me.
“Why not?”
“She said we should never tell you cause of your igloo.”
I raise my eyebrows. “My igloo?”
She shrugs. “I don’t understand it either.” We walk into the office, which is quiet and empty. I love Saturday’s on the hill. “Uncle Sam,” Emily yells.
“Em, he could be in a meeting. We have to be quiet, remember?”
“Is that Emily Joan Lyman I hear out there,” Sam yells from his office, ruining my little statement. Emily looks over at me and raises her eyebrows.
She walks in his office without knocking and holds her arms out, twirling around once. “Here I am!” she yells.
“Even more beautiful than the last time I saw you,” he says, smiling at her.
She walks behind his desk and he picks her up, putting her in his lap. “Mommy says I get prettier every day. And Aunt CJ says she can’t believe someone this pretty came from Daddy.”
“Hey!”
She ignores me. “Two hours, right Uncle Sam?”
He nods and sets a timer on his watch. “I promise.”
She smiles at that, promises being very important between the two of them for reasons I’m not privy to. “Me and Daddy are going to the zoo today. They have a new panda bear and a baby giraffe there and I’m going to ride the ponies and the train and the merry-go-round and feed the goats, so we can’t stay here all day. And Daddy’s taking me to lunch, anywhere I want to go in the whole wide world.”
“The whole wide world huh? What have you decided?”
“McDonalds,” she says triumphantly. This makes me groan and she turns around. “You said anywhere,” she reminds me.
“Yes ma’am.”
“McDonalds has the best sweet and sour sauce for my nuggets. Plus it’s yummy on fries,” she says very seriously, fighting for the rights of McDonald’s eaters everywhere.
I nod. “I’m well aware of McDonalds’ sweet and sour sauce. How ‘bout you color or draw in mine and Mommy’s office while Uncle Sam and I have our meeting.”
She smiles her toothless, dimpled grin, giving me a heads up that something’s going on in that brilliant five year-old mind of hers. “How ‘bout I color at Kelly’s desk instead? That way you can poke your head out and check on me, and I can be your sistance for the day.” Kelly’s our receptionist and I’ve come to realize there must be something about her desk that I’m unaware of, because Emily always chooses it over the office Donna and I share.
“You think you’d be a good assistant?” Sam asks her.
She turns back to him. “My mommy used to be a good assistant. And I know how to use the copier and when the people get here for the meeting I can bring them in here. Plus, if you need something, I could bring it to you. Not coffee though.”
He chuckles. “But what if I want coffee?”
“You can get it all by yourself,” she tells him with a smile.
“Well,” he says, pretending to ponder. “Kelly won’t be here today. I do need an assistant…”
“I’m super duper smart, Uncle Sam. I can do lots of stuff.”
He shakes her hand. “Ok then, you’re hired.”
She pumps her fists in the air. “Yay!”
“You have to be quiet out there though, Em,” I remind her.
She jumps down off Sam’s lap and runs to the door to the outer office. “I will be,” she shouts, making Sam laugh. She turns to him then and curtseys. He looks at me questioningly and I shrug. I’m pretty sure Donna never curtseyed when she was my assistant.
I walk to the door and watch her start pulling things out of her backpack before sitting down and talking to Sam about the meeting. About ten minutes later, Emily shouts, “How do you spell education?”
I look at Sam and raise my eyebrows before getting up and walking into the outer office where Emily’s sitting at Kelly’s desk sucking on a lollypop that could’ve come from anywhere, drinking a bottled water and drawing with permanent markers. I can’t help laughing at her orange and red fingers.
She looks up at me in explanation. “Nobody’s here yet, so it’s ok to shout.”
I nod. “I see.”
“How do you spell education?” she asks again. I tell her and she goes back to whatever she’s doing. I’m not sure what it is, but I know she’s concentrating because her tongue’s sticking out. I watch her for a few seconds before going back into Sam’s office.
A few minutes later, I hear her say hello very politely. I look up at Sam and walk to the doorway where I see Congressman Allen taking off his jacket. Emily hops down off the chair she’s sitting in and walks around the desk, holding her hand out. “Hello. I’m Emily Joan Lyman.”
Congressman Allen stares at her for a second and then reluctantly shakes her hand. “I’m uh… Congressman Allen.”
“Are you a republican or a democrat?” she asks him very seriously.
He stares blankly at her. “Uh… I’m… I’m a democratic.”
She smiles. “Good. Are you here for the very important meeting?”
He glances over at me before looking back at her. “Yes.”
“Right this way, Congressman,” she says, gesturing with her arm towards me. I walk out and shake his hand.
“Congressman, thanks for coming in on such short notice. Would you like something to drink?”
He nods. “Do you have a diet Coke?”
“I’ll get it!” Emily shouts, running to the refrigerator in the small copy room and running back in a few seconds later with a diet Coke in her hands. “Here you go Congressman,” she says very formally.
“Thank you,” he says, taking the diet Coke from her. She curtseys while we both watch her. This curtseying thing must be new.
“Come on in,” I say to him. “We’re still waiting on Senator Hamilton.” I turn to head into Sam’s office. Taped to the door is a sign that says, ‘Erly Education Meeting in Here.’ There’s what I assume is a school and some children drawn in the background. At least, that’s what I’m guessing it is. I look back at my daughter with a smile.
“So people don’t get lost,” she says to me very seriously.
I nod. “Good idea.”
Sam walks out of his office then holding a manila envelope. “Oh assistant,” he says, pretending to look for Emily.
She jumps up from the chair again and runs up to Sam, saluting him. “Yes?” Donna never saluted me either.
“This needs to go to Congressman Wolfe’s office. Do you think you could take it there for me?”
She jerks her head to me. “Can I, can I, can I?” she asks excitedly.
Congressman Wolfe’s office is only three doors down, so I nod and she takes the envelope from Sam. “How do I get there?”
She and Sam walk into the hallway. He tells her how to get there and then we watch as she skips down the hall and disappears into the office. When she comes out a few minutes later, she’s eating a donut. “You didn’t take that without asking, did you?”
She looks at me like I’m nuts. “Of course not, Daddy. Republican Congressman Wolfe gave it to me.” Brett Allen laughs at her terminology. “He remembered me from Starbucks. He thinks I’m very smart.” She holds the last bite of her donut up to me. “Want a bite?”
“No thank you. Are your fingers sticky?” I ask with a smile.
She pops the last bit into her mouth and licks her fingers. “No, they’re ok.”
I shake my head and kiss her on the forehead before Sam, Brett and I go back into Sam’s office. Brett Allen stiffly mentions that Emily’s cute and looks like Donna, but I can tell he’s not a kid person. The three of us start talking about the republican opposition to the bill until there’s a light knock at the door. “Come in,” Sam says.
Emily opens the door then. “Introducing…” she sweeps her arm behind her and then back to us again. “Democrat Senator Hamilton.” The two of them have obviously planned something because Senator Hamilton takes a bravado step inside, holding her arms out, which is something I’ve never seen her do before, and Emily shouts, “Tada!” which makes Brett Allen jump a little bit.
Sam stands up and walks towards the door. “Thank you assistant Emily,” he says before turning to Senator Hamilton. “Thanks for coming in today Millie.”
“Anytime,” she says to Sam. “I didn’t know you’d gotten a new assistant,” she says with a wink to Emily. Millie Hamilton is fifty-five years old and has nine grand children. I’d say she’s the opposite of Brett Allen when it comes to children.
Sam smiles and pats Emily’s head. “This is Emily. Josh and Donna’s daughter.”
“Yes,” she says nodding. “There’s no denying that.”
“Thank you Emily, that’ll be all,” I tell her with a wink.
“Ok Daddy. Have fun and be good,” she says before curtseying again and shutting the door behind her. What is up with the curtseying, and why am I the one being told to be good? Shouldn’t I be telling her that?
The four of us start our meeting and I occasionally peek out to make sure Emily’s doing ok. At one point, I open the door and see her standing on top of Kelly’s desk. She turns around and waves to me, then goes back to what she’s doing, which is… well, I’m not real sure. But she’s being quiet, so who am I to ask. Another time, she’s spinning in the chair and giggling. I don’t say anything because I do that sometimes as well, without the giggling.
A half hour goes by without a peep from the outer office, but then the phone rings. I stand up and open the door to go out and answer it when we all hear Emily say, “Uncle Sam’s office.” Senator Hamilton cracks up and I look back at Sam who’s smiling. Then I walk quietly out of Sam’s office into the outer office and listen to her talk.
“Hi Mommy!... I miss you too! When are you coming home?”
She listens for a few seconds before going on. “How’s Grandma feeling? Did she like my picture?... Good, did she put it on her fridge?”
Donna talks again while Emily stands up and tries to reach her bottled water while still holding onto the phone. She gets the tip of it and almost has it, but then it tips over and spills on the filing cabinet. She looks at me with raised eyebrows and I shake my head at her and grab a few paper towels out of the supply room. Once she sees that I’m taking care of her little problem, she goes back to listening to Donna. “He’s good. He misses you though. He’s all pouty.”
I stare dumbfounded at her. “I am not,” I screech.
She shakes her head at me. “Daddy…” Then she goes back to Donna. “He got lonely and begged me to sleep in your bed last night.”
“Begged??? I was just…” She looks over at me with raised eyebrows and I trail off. Who am I kidding? I miss my wife.
“We’re going to the zoo today after his very important education meeting. Did you know there’s no ‘j’ in education?”
There are a few uh huh’s followed by, “I am Mommy. I’m the sistance today. I even got to take a very important envelope to a republican congressman. I think it was a veto.” I hear Donna laugh through the phone.
“He combed it… He did!... Four… I will, but only on the cheek. Ok, I love you. I’ll paint you a picture tonight. Bye.” She hangs up and turns to me. “That was my mommy,” she tells me, as though I need clarification as to which mommy it was.
I smile at her. “So I gathered. She didn’t want to talk to me?”
“She didn’t want to intepretupt your meeting. She said you could call her tonight after I go to bed if you want to.”
“How’s Grandma?” My mom had minor surgery and Donna went down to help out for a few days.
“She’s better. Mommy’s flying home tomorrow.”
This makes me smile. It’s been five days since I last had sex. I’m going through withdrawal. “Good.”
Emily climbs down off the desk and comes over to me, pulling me down and kissing me on the cheek. “That’s from Mommy. She said she misses you and to pick her up at the airport at
“Yes ma’am. How’s everything out here?”
“Good. No one came in and tried to take me away.”
“That’s good to know.”
She sits down on my leg. Since I’m crouched down, balancing on my feet, I almost fall over. “How’s the meeting? Did you find a way to beat the republicans?”
I smile and kiss her forehead. “Almost. How much time do I have left?”
She looks at my watch. “About an hour. Uncle Sam set his watch.”
I nod. “Ok, I better get back in there.”
She stands up. “Ok, have fun.”
I go back into the meeting and all is calm for about 15 minutes. Then Emily quietly opens the door and tip toes in, literally. She comes up to my chair and leans into my ear, whispering not so quietly, “I have to go potty.” What’s up with that word?
The public restroom’s halfway down the hall, which Emily’s not allowed to walk to alone. The only restroom in our suite is here in Sam’s office, so I point to that. “Use Uncle Sam’s.”
“Kay,” she whispers.
She turns then and walks into the bathroom and we wait for the door to close. It doesn’t. Finally she comes back out and walks back up to me. “I can’t find the light,” she whispers again.
I stand up, picking her up and throwing her over my shoulder, making her laugh, then take her into the bathroom and turn the light on before closing the door behind me and leaving her alone. When she comes out a few minutes later, she comes up to me and kisses my cheek. Isn’t that sweet? Just kissing my cheek for no reason? Don’t be ridiculous. While kissing me, she wipes her hands on my shirt. “Thanks,” I mumble.
“I couldn’t reach the paper towels,” she says quietly as her reasoning. Then she waves to Sam as though she hasn’t seen him in a month or so and leaves, curtseying once again.
Now, my daughter is brilliant and very well behaved, but I believe every one has a breaking point. Emily’s breaking point is somewhere near mine, which is somewhat startling, but anyway… she reaches it at approximately one and a half hours into our two hour block.
I see this coming when I glance out into the outer office at her and she’s pushing Kelly’s chair around the office on its wheels, jumping on it and rolling across the floor. I give her a look she’s not used to seeing from me, and she abruptly stands up very stiffly. “Hi daddy,” she says quietly, smiling her ‘I’m too cute to kill’ smile.
“Hi Munchkin,” I say in a warning tone. My warning tone isn’t all that great. Certainly not as good as Donna’s.
“How long before we go?” she asks with a small pout.
I look down at my watch. “Only a half hour.”
She sighs heavily. “Kay.”
I go back into the meeting, but not five minutes later, Emily walks in quietly with a pad of paper and a pencil, sitting in a chair in the back of the room. When I raise my eyebrows in question, she smiles. “I thought maybe I should take notes.”
I start to stand up to take her outside when Senator Hamilton comes to her rescue. “That’s a very good idea, Emily. I need some notes.”
Emily smiles widely at the woman. “I’ll take super duper good ones.” Emily’s a fan of the term super duper.
This works well for about ten minutes, then the fidgeting begins. If you’ve never had a five year-old, you might not be familiar with fidgeting, but it exists and it’s distracting, I promise you.
“Emily Joan,” I say quietly, looking over at her.
She looks up from her piece of paper. “Yes?” she asks in a pathetically sad voice, making it impossible to scold her.
I hand her a file folder with ten or fifteen pieces of paper in it. “Can you make me a copy of everything in that folder?”
She jumps up out of her chair as if given a shot of sugar. “Absolutely!” she says, pulling the folder from my hands and saluting me.
“You remember how to turn on the copier?”
She nods and smiles. “Yes.” Then as she’s leaving, she hands a piece of paper to Senator Hamilton. “Here are your notes.” Once Emily’s gone, the Senator starts laughing hysterically.
“What?” I ask, fearful of what my daughter’s written.
She looks up at me. “1. ‘Republicans are dumb.’ 2. ‘Republicans vote bad.’ 3. ‘Republicans never listen.’ 4. ‘Vote scheduled…’ spelled skedooled… ‘one week.’ 5. ‘Hit Baker, Wilson, Miller one more time,’ and then next to it, it says, ‘hitting isn’t nice.’ 6. ‘Is it time for the zoo yet’ with seven question marks after it.”
“I’d say those are pretty accurate notes of the last ten minutes,” Brett Allen says with a chuckle.
“She’s…” I fumble for words.
“Perfect,” Sam says in her defense.
“Getting restless, I was going to say.”
“She’s an absolute angel,” Senator Hamilton says, smiling. “My grandson would’ve destroyed something by now.”
I smile. “We’re going to the zoo today. I kind of dragged her in here.”
The phone rings and I jump up to answer it, but Emily beats me to it and we hear her answer the phone again. “Uncle Sam’s office.” I maybe should’ve gone over answering the phone with her, or you know, not answering it.
I walk into the outer office just as she says, “He’s here; he’s in a very important meeting.”
“I’ll take it, Em,” I say, whispering to her.
“Hold on, here’s my daddy.” I take the phone from her and begin talking to who turns out to be the majority leader’s top aide. Emily disappears into Sam’s office.
When I get off the phone about five minutes later, I go back in, where I find my daughter sitting on Sam’s lap telling Senator Hamilton and Congressman Allen about the animals at the zoo, complete with sound effects and hand gestures. The folder I asked her to copy is on top of my chair and Brett Allen is standing up holding his jacket. Clearly, the meeting is over. I shake the congressman’s hand and he nods to all of us before leaving.
“Emily Joan, didn’t we discuss you staying quietly in the outer office today?” Sam squeezes her tighter and rests his chin on her shoulder from behind as if to say he’s on her side. Why do I suddenly feel like Donna?
She puts her arm around his neck and smiles. “Yes. But Uncle Sam’s watch went off.”
I look at my watch and then at Sam. He sold me out. I should have ten minutes left. “It did, did it?” He acts innocent.
“Yes it did,” Senator Hamilton cuts in as she stands up. “Which means one patient well-behaved little girl gets to go to McDonald’s and the zoo now.”
“Patient and well behaved, huh?” I ask, looking doubtfully at my daughter.
Her mouth drops open in shock. “Daddy, Senator Hamilton said I was good and she’s a democrat, so she’s really smart.”
I might as well give up, I’m clearly outnumbered. I walk over and pick her up off Sam’s lap, carrying her towards the door to the outer office. Sam and the senator follow. “I don’t know… you might have tricked her,” I say, dangling her by her feet and letting her hair swipe the floor.
She giggles. “I’m not tricky, I’m just cute.” She lets her arms fall from my waist, trusting completely that I won’t drop her. I love that trust; it makes me want to do whatever it takes to earn more of it.
“Oh, you’re tricky.” We get to Kelly’s desk and I pull her up and stand her on the desk.
“I’m super duper tall!” she says, standing about an inch taller than me now. She leans down and kisses my forehead.
I lean back and smile at her. “Pack up your backpack, please.”
She salutes me. “Yes sir.”
We leave soon after, once Emily’s curtseyed one more time and Sam’s given her $20 for making some unneeded copies, answering the phone incorrectly, interrupting the meeting and taking a file three doors down. I try to convince him to make it five, but one she’s got the cash in her hand and her big blue eyes are opened in awe, there’s no going back for Sam.
We’re walking down the hallway I fell in almost ten years earlier, and Emily’s going on in some detail what she’d like to do first at the zoo. “Can we go to the bird house?”
“Yes.”
“Can we feed the ducks?”
“Yes.”
“Can we see the baby giraffe?”
“If they have him out where you can see him.”
“Can we hop like the kangaroos?”
“You can.”
“Daddy…”
“Em…”
“Please…”
“Fine, I’ll hop.”
“Can we skip the snake building?”
“Of course.”
“Can we…” she stops and looks up at me. “Daddy, should I have invited Uncle Sam to the zoo with us?”
I shrug. “I don’t know, what do you think?”
She thinks for a minute and then takes my hand in hers. “I think I’ve shared you enough today.”
I look down at her and smile. “I think I’ve shared you enough too.”