Chapter 6
This chapter written by mdrgrl1 - send her feedback at mdrgrl1@aol.com
As I walk to my car after a productive meeting with Otto and Annabeth, there's only one thing bothering me: I can't recall the last time I felt this good.
I would say it was when we won the election, but Leo's death dampened my spirits. It might've been when Josh threw snowballs at my window four years ago. Or the time he told me I looked "really great" in my red dress. However, none of those things compare to how I feel right now. I've been offered a dream job to work for the future First Lady. I've gotten positive media coverage about the President-elect
in every major market. And I've had sex with Josh four times.
I'd say that gives me license to walk on cloud nine.
It's not only the sex part that has me so chipper, although that is really, really good. Rather, it's what we did afterwards that makes me giddy. We finally broke the no-touching-after-sex barrier. Josh held me last night until we fell asleep. And when I woke up this morning, my head was resting on his chest while he was running his hand through my hair.
It doesn't get much better than that.
The funny thing is, I know it *can* get better. Josh is slowly figuring out what he wants out of this. At least I think he is. He wouldn't have held me so close or touched me so much if he didn't want more than just sex. He could've escaped this morning with nothing more than a wave and well wishes for a good day. Instead, we got ready for the day together.
Josh has a small bathroom. It would've been easy to get in each other's way as we were brushing our teeth or while I was blow drying my hair and he was shaving. But there were no awkward moments and no bumping elbows. It was domestic and natural -- like we'd been doing it for years.
I smile at the memory. Nothing is going to ruin this day.
My phone rings as I'm about to make a right onto
"Hello?"
"Hey there, stranger."
I smile at the familiar voice. "It's been two days since I saw you, CJ, I'd hardly call us strangers."
"True," she says. "How've you been?"
I secure the ear piece in my right ear and lower the volume on the radio. I'm driving Josh's car today. He insisted that I take it while my car is getting a check-up.
"Great," I reply with a little too much enthusiasm.
"Where have you been the past couple of nights?"
Shit. I hadn't thought about having to answer that question.
An uncomfortable amount of silence fills the air.
"Donna?"
"Sorry, I went through a bad cell patch," I say.
"Oh. I just asked where you've stayed the past two nights," she repeats.
I take a deep breath. If I lie, there's a good chance CJ will find out later. And I don't want to lie to my friend. If I tell her the truth, it's going to open the bag that I've kept so firmly shut.
I decide to be honest. "Josh's."
"Josh's?" she asks. I can picture her eyebrows making an upside down V. "As in Josh Lyman's apartment?"
Does she know another Josh? If so, does she really think I'd be staying at his house?
"Yes." Keeping my answers simple might help me out here.
"Oh." I hear her chair squeak and wonder if she's reclining. "I thought... I didn't...Oh."
Maybe I can just change the subject. "How's Danny?"
Nothing like turning the tables.
"Danny Concannon?"
Again, last names really aren't necessary. We both know exactly who's who, and we have a vague idea of what's going on. I might be a little more clued in than CJ, but still.
"Yes," I reply with a slight grin. "Danny Concannon."
"Danny's fine," she says. "He's in
"What's he doing there?"
CJ sighs. "Looking at property."
I crease my brow. "Property?"
"He's thinking of moving to
I hear Margaret calling for CJ in the background.
"I have to go. Something about running the country," she says.
I smile. "Ok."
"We should have dinner. Are you free tonight?"
I don't know the answer to that. Does Josh expect me to stay at his place? Should I spend a couple of nights at CJ's to give us some space? I don't feel like I need space, but he might. Besides, we probably shouldn't go from zero to 60 in one week.
"I'm not sure. I'll call you later," I say.
"Sounds good."
After I hang up, I realize CJ and I need to have THE conversation. We've both grown in our jobs and in our personal lives. There's no reason to dwell on the past. I *want* to tell her about me and Josh. I want her to be open with me about her relationship with Danny. That's what girlfriends do. And it would take a huge weight off my shoulders to tell someone about the shift in our relationship. I can't tell Ronna or Edie or anyone on the
I pull into a front space in the grocery store parking lot. I've never been to this store before, but it's close to Josh's place. As I stroll down the aisles, I think of what Josh might need or want. God knows when the last time he's been to the store was. I don't want to overwhelm him by buying all of his toiletries and a basket full of food. There's one thing about being domestic and another about going overboard.
I walk down the toiletries aisle and look at all of the options. Josh was shaking a can of Right Guard this morning and making a funny face when only a little spray came out. I pick up a new can and place it in the cart. He has zero food in his apartment, save for the one can of chicken noodle soup in the back of his cupboard. I might've seen a bag of Mahatma rice in there as well. I grab a loaf of bread and two frozen pizzas. He'll probably want beer sooner or later, and Bud Light is on sale. I put a six pack in the cart. A display of Yoo Hoo catches my eye across the aisle, so against my better judgment, I grab three. I figure he's going to need some kind of breakfast food, so I throw in some Eggo waffles and a bag of apples. Maybe Josh will eat healthier if I stock his fridge with fruit.
Thirty-two dollars later, I'm back in Josh's car, heading home.
It's strange that I'd refer to Josh's apartment in my head as 'home.' It's not my home. Far from it. And I'm too uncertain about where our relationship is going to even think of it that way.
I don't expect Josh to be there when I arrive, so I briefly consider taking a hot bath. I can't remember the last time I did that. My aching muscles would appreciate it. I walk into the apartment, and a familiar scent hits me like a ton of bricks. I take a big whiff of whatever it is that makes this place smell like Josh. It makes me smile.
I put my purse on the table and set the two grocery bags down on the floor. I'm sure Josh wouldn't mind if I turned on the stereo. While his TV is relatively new, this thing is ancient. I wouldn't be surprised if he has cassettes or even eight tracks somewhere in here. I dust the top of the black box off, then press play on the CD player. Joni Mitchell belts out one of my all-time favorite songs.
It isn't until I'm halfway down the hall that I realize this is my CD. I walk back into the living room and stare at the CD player.
The few times I stayed with Josh during his recovery, I brought some CDs to help pass the time while he was sleeping. He asked me to turn off the stereo more than once, but when Joni Mitchell was on, he never complained. Until this moment, I hadn't realized that I'd left this CD here. I wonder if Josh just never bothered to change the CDs or if he listened to this over the years and thought of me.
I turn up the volume, then go into the kitchen to put away the groceries. I make a mental note to call CJ in a little while. Maybe she'll want to have dinner tomorrow evening. Tonight, I wouldn't mind having an all-American meal: frozen pizza and Bud Light with Josh by my side.
Just as I put away the last of the food, Josh breezes in.
"Hey stranger," I says from behind the refrigerator door.
"Is there any Chinese left?" Not the greeting I hoped for, but he's probably just tired and hungry.
I pull out the two white take-out containers and set them on the counter. Maybe he just has a hankering for Chinese food. "A little. You want me to heat it up?"
Josh opens the containers, sniffs the contents of one, then throws both of them away.
I'll heat one of the frozen pizzas in a moment, but first, I want to catch up on his day.
"I heard Mallory came to see you today." I lean against the counter.
"Yeah," he says distractedly. "She brought the baby."
"That's nice." A small smile tugs at the corners of my mouth. Josh holding little Allison would be a beautiful sight to see.
He closes a cupboard and turns around to face me. There are circles around his eyes and his lips look dry. While Josh's hair is never neatly brushed, it's more out of control than usual.
"You look beat," I comment.
"I'm just hungry," he mumbles, walking past me into the living room and picking up his keys off the table. He opens the door and waits expectantly.
I'm not sure where he thinks we're going.
Finally, he turns around. "Are we going to get some dinner?"
Josh is not operating on all cylinders. It's
I walk up to him and run my hand down his arm. "What's wrong?"
He looks off towards the stereo. I wonder if he realizes that I've discovered that he still has my Joni Mitchell CD. "I'm tired and hungry and I have a headache. Let's just go."
"I can…" I hook my thumb toward the kitchen, but I don't finish my sentence because of the look on Josh's face. Maybe I can get him to tell me what's bothering him, then he'll relax. This might require a little fishing. "Did you hear from Sam today?"
"No," he replies hastily.
"Is it Swayne?"
And that's when he snaps. "I have to talk about this stuff all day at work, Donna. Is it too much to ask to not have to re-live it at home?"
His tone makes my entire body tense. I take a step back. "You're not allowed to talk to me that way."
He closes his mouth and just stares at me.
The way our lives are consumed with politics, I expect to talk about it at home. But that's what we should do -- *talk* about it. Not re-live it or yell about it. "I want to support you and be here for you, Josh, but you can't…"
"You don't want to support me or be here for me," he interrupts. "You're just like the rest of them, leaving when I need you the most. I'm about to do the hardest thing of my life and you… how is it so easy for you to just walk away from me?" he practically
yells.
The room goes deafly quiet as I stare at him with unbelieving eyes. How does he consider my taking a job in the east wing walking away? And comparing me to 'the rest of them' makes my heart sink. I'm not like the rest of them, not even close. I'm sleeping with him. I kept him in one piece when he thought we'd lose the election. I held him up last week when Leo died.
He closes his eyes and rubs his palm hard over his face. "I'm …"
"Don't," I say in a soft, commanding voice. I'll be damned if Josh tries to apologize or blame this on anything other than his selfishness.
He opens his eyes and looks at me again, but he can't seem to meet my eyes. He's shaking his leg expectantly. It's like he's gearing up for round two. After several seconds of hard silence, I decide it's in our best interest if I leave. I pick up my purse and walk toward the door without looking back. I don't want him to watch the tears
pooling in my eyes.
"Donna," he calls in a pathetic voice that wouldn't get me to stay under any circumstance.
"I'm going to CJ's," I respond. I close the door behind me and practically run down the steps.
I suck as much air into my lungs as possible to try to steady my breathing. It isn't until I reach the street when I realize that my car is in the shop. My hands shake as I call a cab. I mess up on my first two attempts. I hope it whisks me away before I have second thoughts about leaving.
Once I'm in the cab, I dial a number by memory.
"Hey, CJ."
"Donna, hi. Is something wrong?"
It's funny that she can still pick up on my mood just by the tone of my voice in two little words.
"I know it's last minute, but can I stay at your place tonight?" I ask, ignoring her question.
"Of course," she responds. "I'll leave the door unlocked."
"Thanks. I'll see you soon."
I turn off my phone and gaze out the window.
My heart pounds when I think about the things Josh said to me. How could he stand there, look me in the eye, and say those things after all we've been through together? How can he compare me to anyone else in his life? I feel my stomach churning, and I have the sudden urge to vomit.
"Can you pull over?" I put my hand on the driver's seat. "Please, I need you to stop the car."
The cabbie looks back at me and grumbles. He pulls the car onto the shoulder, and as soon as it stops, I open the door and stumble out. My breathing is shallow and I have sweat beads on my forehead. My entire body feels clammy. I take a few steps down the sidewalk, then lean over with my hands on my knees.
'You're just like the rest of them.'
I breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth, hoping that the nauseous feeling will subside.
I did walk away from Josh once. I left him, and I shouldn't have done that for personal reasons. Professional, sure. But nothing between us has ever been purely professional. I tried to talk to him several times before quitting, but Josh kept putting it off. He never allowed me to explain.
But I came back. I came back, and he refused to accept me. He was prepared for that moment. He knew I'd return to him, and he was armed with reasons why he couldn't take me back. I didn't give up after being humiliated. I did everything humanly possible to return to his side. And when he finally took me back, I made a promise to myself: I'd never leave him again. Ever.
Until tonight.
I left him. It doesn't matter if it's not a permanent thing. I left Josh hungry, tired, and frustrated with his job, not with me.
I throw up a little into the grass. There's not much in my stomach, so I spend most of my energy dry heaving. This really hurts. All of it.
I contemplate going back to Josh's apartment and apologizing for walking out.
"You ok, miss?" the driver asks.
I stand up straight and wipe my mouth.
"Yeah." After one more deep breath, I get back into the taxi. "I'll be fine."
*
When I arrive at CJ's apartment, the door is open just as she promised.
"Donna?" She walks toward me, tightening her robe. "You sounded upset on the phone."
I lower my head. I'm afraid if I speak, I'll start to cry.
CJ grabs my hand, causing me to look up. "You don't look so good."
"I've had better days," I admit.
She releases my hand and hooks her thumb toward the kitchen. "I think I have a bottle of chardonnay in the fridge."
"That would be nice." I follow her into the kitchen and take two glasses out of the cupboard.
She pours a generous serving of wine in each glass. "So what happened?"
"I never thought..." I look away for a moment. "I didn't want this to come up under these circumstances."
She looks confused.
I pull out a kitchen stool and sit down with a thud. Before I take a sip of wine, I set my glass back down on the butcher block.
With a deep breath for fortitude, I spit out the one thing that CJ had to know was coming but has waited as long as I have to hear it. "Josh and I are sleeping together."
Her eyes look like they're going to pop out of her head, and she nearly chokes on her wine.
I twist my hands in my lap. "We've been sleeping together since election day."
She leans forward. "I'm assuming you mean the most recent election and not the one we had eight years ago."
This earns her a small smile. "Yes. Eight days ago, not eight years."
She tilts her head. "Wow."
"Yeah."
"I mean, wow," she says again.
"I know." I feel a blush crawling across my cheeks.
"How did it happen?" she asks, taking a seat next to me.
"It's kind of a long, convoluted story." I sigh.
She shrugs. "I've got all night."
We make our way to the sofa with the bottle of wine. I tell CJ the whole story, starting with me going to Josh for a job after
"He didn't mean it, Donna. You have to know that." She puts her hand on my arm.
"It doesn't matter." I shrug. "It's ok if he's stressed out. That's bound to happen, but he can't take it out on me. I'm supposed to be the one who helps him through it, not his punching bag."
"I'm not making excuses for him, but Josh has been through a lot in the past week."
"So have I," I say in a loud voice. "The difference is the way we handle it."
"You know him better than anyone," CJ begins. "He's never been good at expressing his frustration with anything other than yelling."
I put my empty wine glass on the coffee table. "He's never yelled at me. At least not like that."
CJ sighs. "His stress level is at an all time high."
I cradle my head in my hands. "I'm done making excuses for stressed out men in my life. Look what happened with Jack Reese."
"I forgot about him. That was some night." She gives me a nostalgic smile. A moment passes, then her face turns serious. "I made a grave mistake, Donna."
I look into her eyes.
"Before you left on the CODEL..." CJ lowers her head. "I said some things...I shouldn't have..." She looks back up at me. "I shouldn't have said any of it. I didn't even believe any of it."
"CJ, you don't have to –"
"Please, let me finish." She holds her hand up. "I insinuated that Josh didn't share your feelings. That you stayed in your position just so you could be close to him. That was awful of me." She puts her hand on her chest.
I knew this conversation would happen sooner or later, but I figured it would be one drunken night when our lips were loose. Tonight, we've each had two glasses of wine. Hardly enough to blame it on the alcohol.
"When you were hurt...I've never seen anyone react the way Josh did." CJ looks incredibly sincere.
I feel tears stinging my eyes.
"He relentlessly tried to find out about your condition. It was almost like he was possessed." She takes a deep breath. "He flew to
"He thought it was his fault," I whisper unable to look CJ in the eye.
"It was more than that." She returns her hand to my arm. "Donna, for the first time, I realized that Josh was in love."
I swallow hard and slowly lift my eyes.
She squeezes my arm. "He loves you. And if I had to guess, I'd say he's loved you from the start."
I raise my eyebrows and will the tears back into my eyes, but it's a fruitless attempt. "CJ, I..."
She pulls me to her and hugs me tightly. "I'm sorry for doubting that, Donna."
I don't know how to respond. I cling to her and sniffle a couple of times.
I miss this woman's friendship more than I thought possible. This is how it should be – two women who've been through all kinds of hell, comforting each other and expressing the hard things that need to be said.
When I pull back, I notice a wet streak down CJ's cheek. She wipes her eyes. "Look what you've done to me!"
I smile and wipe my own eyes. "I'm worse than you!"
She lets out a long breath. "This is just a little bump in the road. I'm sure Josh will apologize soon."
I don't ever want to think of that night in CJ's office again. The matter is done, and we're moving forward, both even stronger for overcoming it.
"Thank you, CJ." I hold her hand. "You don't know how much that means to me."
She smiles. "It's late. We really should get some sleep."
"Not so fast," I say. "There's still the matter of you and Danny."
Her eyebrows nearly hit her hairline. "What on earth are you talking about?"
I sniffle and laugh. "Don't think I didn't notice."
She leans back and sighs. "Look at us. Two successful, powerful women who've been in love with the same schmucks for nine years."
"Tell me about it." I shake my head.
CJ tells me how she and Danny rekindled their romance a few weeks ago. I have a feeling she's going to end up with him, which quite possibly means she'll move to
"What time is it?" she asks.
I look at the clock. "It can't be one in the morning."
"I'm afraid so." She stands. "Feel any better?"
I stand next to her and give her a toothy smile. "Yes, I do."
We hug one last time, then go off to our rooms.
It has been an incredibly long day. Depending on Josh's mood tomorrow, it could get even worse.
***
I have no idea what time of day it is when I hear voices coming from the living room. One voice is distinctly male. I get out of bed and peek down the hallway. Josh is standing on the other side of the door with a silver coffee mug in his hands. I might be upset, but I've never been so glad to see him in my life.
"No, but I need you to wake her up anyway," he says.
My demanding man. I bite my lip and suppress a smile.
"Josh…" CJ is blocking him from entering the apartment.
"I'm awake." I walk into the foyer.
The bags under Josh's eyes are still there, but they aren't as pronounced as they were last night. His hair looks wet and one of his shoes is untied. Judging by the way his tie is not fully tied, I suspect he got dressed in the car.
"I'm going to take a shower," CJ says before retreating back into the apartment.
As soon as CJ's out of sight, he thrusts the coffee towards me and blurts out, "I'm sorry."
I take the cup from him and stare at it. Coffee has always been a thing between us, but thanking him for the gesture doesn't seem appropriate right now. "It's early, Josh."
"Just… hear me out. Two minutes. Then you can slam the door in my face."
I have a quick internal debate about letting Josh in. On the one hand, I don't want to do this in CJ's living room. On the other, I really want to get this thing over with. One look at his brown eyes and hidden dimples, and I acquiesce.
He quickly steps inside, closing the door behind him. He takes a deep breath before starting. "I'm frightened that I can't do this job. The President-elect isn't listening to me, Barry Goodwin's trying to push me out, I'm having staffing nightmares that include being forced to hire Amy Gardner and I held Leo's granddaughter yesterday."
I shake my head and start to tell him I'm sorry for walking away last night, but he keeps talking.
"And not one of those things gives me an excuse to talk to you the way I did."
He's right. There's no excuse for him to talk to me the way he did last night. At least he recognizes it. Josh isn't one to make the same mistake twice.
"No," I say quietly but firmly. I put the coffee cup down on a side table. I'm going to need my hands to be free for the hugging that will undoubtedly ensue.
"And I have no right, none at all, to expect you to sacrifice your career to help me with mine and no right at all to make you feel guilty for not wanting to. You were offered a career-defining job that you're more than qualified to do and I should be the first one to stand up and tell you how proud of you I am."
I'm stunned at Josh's admission. "Yes, you should be."
He looks like he's geared up for a big speech. His eyes are wide and his posture is perfect. His hands hang between us, palms up. "Then let me say it. I'm proud of you. Unbelievably proud. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I took things out on you instead of letting you in. I'm sorry that I undermined your work and accused you of something you'd never do. And I'm sorry that I let you leave when I should've been begging you to stay."
I blink back the tears that threaten to fall. I know this isn't easy for Josh. He's never been good at apologizing.
"You hurt me," I say with my best stoic expression.
His face falls. "I'm sorry, Donna."
He takes a small step closer to me. He smells like Dial soap and mint toothpaste. I really want to pull him to me and hold him for a few hours.
"When you get frustrated or have a bad day, you can't take it out on me." I tilt my head. "You can't, Josh."
"I know." He touches my wrist with his thumb, and I nearly lose it.
I look up at him, noticing the fear and uncertainty in his eyes. I step closer until our chests are nearly touching, and I turn my hand over. He threads his fingers through mine.
"I'm sorry, too." I lower my head.
"For what?" He lifts my chin with two fingers.
"For walking out last night." I meet his gaze. "I shouldn't have left you like that. You should never have to beg me to stay."
He clenches his jaw.
I place my free hand on the back of his neck and work my fingers into his hair, massaging his scalp until his eyes shut. "When you walked in last night, I could tell you'd had a rough day. I should've cut you some slack."
Josh moans, and I rub the base of his neck a little harder. "Maybe offered you a cold beer and some pizza."
He opens his eyes and smiles. "You're forgiven."
I look directly at him. "I won't do it again."
He simply nods, then his lips touch mine in a very innocent kiss. I pull back, and Josh's free hand cups my cheek. He tilts my head slightly, then kisses me several times. I get the feeling he'd like to escalate the kiss, but I pull back before it goes too far.
"We still need to talk," I say.
He nods his agreement.
I take a step back, and his right hand drops from my face. However, we're still holding hands near my hip.
"We need time to figure this out." I pause and motion a hand between us. "Not just this, but everything. You need to focus on a multitude of political issues, and I need to decide where I want to be professionally."
He looks at me but doesn't respond.
"Four weeks," I say. "Let's take four weeks to regroup and get things settled in our lives."
"Four weeks?" He raises his eyebrows. "That's a month."
I nod. "We need it, Josh."
"What if I said no?" he asks.
I find his defiance sexy as hell, but I don't tell him as much.
"It's not an option." I pull my hand from his, hoping he understands the seriousness of this matter.
"Please don't pull away from me," he whispers.
I had no idea Josh was as affected by our fight and this subsequent discussion as I was. In fact, I've never seen him so vulnerable before. I can't leave him like this. There's no way I can do that to him.
I put my hand on his shoulder and slowly work my way to his neck. "It doesn't mean we have to be apart the whole time."
"No?"
I shake my head. "No."
He closes the gap between us, and this time I let him take the kiss a little further. His tongue is in my mouth before I know it, and he tastes too damn good to let go. My hands are in his hair and his are around my waist as we deepen the kiss.
"Whoa!" CJ says, entering the room.
I quickly pull away from Josh, but he keeps his arms around me.
"Sorry, CJ." I blush.
"I guess the cat's out of the bag." Josh smirks.
"You're a lucky man, Joshua," she responds. "I'm going to put on a pot of coffee. Care to stay for breakfast?"
Josh kisses my forehead, then releases me. "I have to prepare for a
"What a way to start the day," CJ comments from the kitchen.
"Tell me about it." He runs a hand through his hair, then turns back towards me. "Maybe we can have lunch later?"
I nod and smile. "I'd like that."
"Me, too," he whispers.
I walk Josh to the door and kiss him one last time before he leaves. He has once again demanded that I take his car, so he calls a cab to pick him up. When he's gone, I spend a couple of minutes on the porch, composing myself.
For the first time in nine years, I'm pretty sure I know what Josh wants: me.