Chapter 5
She can’t look at me that way and say something that seductive in that voice and not expect me to completely ravish her body, right? Because, that’s what I do. I pick my tongue up off the floor and then I pull her flush against my body, spinning her around and pushing her against the first hard surface we hit, which in this case happens to be the back of the couch. And that’s a shame, ‘cause had it been the wall, I could’ve taken her right there.
She’s unbuttoning my shirt and pulling it out of my pants, which I agree needs to be done, but she’s really getting in the way of me getting her naked, which I find far more important at this point. I settle for palming her breast while scraping my teeth against her collarbone.
It’s almost hard to believe that something so completely different from last night can still be so good, but it is. It’s hot and fast and utterly fantastic, and I’m not sure my shirt makes it through in tact, which just adds to the hotness. She does this thing to my ass with her hands that makes it difficult to not come on the sheets, and when it’s either do that or not make a fool out of myself, I flip her over, grab a condom and enter her hard. Within seconds she screams and comes, which is a very good thing, because I’m right behind her and it would’ve been a shame to finish before her.
There’s no sucking on her breasts to get another orgasm out of her tonight; it’s difficult enough to even breathe, and I roll off of her panting and staring up at the ceiling. “Wow.”
“Yes,” she pants out as well, both of us utterly still for a good two minutes while we come back down to some semblance of normal breathing. “I could use some water,” she finally says.
I don’t have the strength to get up. I haven’t even taken care of the condom, which is quickly becoming a problem, but I am able to summon the strength to turn my head, where I see last night’s water sitting on the night stand. I reach over and hand it to her and she can barely pull her head off the pillow to take a drink. If I weren’t just as worn out, I’d be smirking right now. She hands it back to me and I finish it, and then I’ve got to take care of this condom before I’m sleeping in a puddle of my own making; which is just disgusting.
Not only do I not have the energy in my legs to carry me into the bathroom, I’m thinking I don’t want to get up and give her time to wig out on me. So I tie off the condom and set it on top of my probably ruined before and definitely ruined now shirt. Then I give myself a little pep talk and before she has a chance to retreat onto her own side, I roll over close to her and put my arm around her, kissing her neck and ear. She smells like us; it’s hot as hell.
Donna might stiffen for just a second, I’m not sure, but if she wants me off of her she’s going to have to literally push me away. We’re going to get better at this if we have to have sex every day for the rest of our lives, damn it. She doesn’t though; she’s just quiet for a second and then asks about Sam.
I tell her about Sam and his job and his tan and his engagement, although I choose to leave out that he thought I looked like hell. If she doesn’t realize it, there’s no need in pointing it out. We talk about him for a minute and then it’s quiet, but not the awkward quiet that it was the other times we had sex and no idea what to do next. Instead, I rub circles on her unbelievably soft skin and she closes her eyes and sighs contentedly.
"I was thinking..." I mumble a few minutes later.
She opens her eyes and looks at me. "Yeah?"
I prop my head up on my hand and watch her for a few seconds. It’s kind of premature to do this, since I don’t know about Sam yet, and that means I don’t know about Lou or Annabeth yet. But I haven’t offered her a job, and I don’t want her thinking I’m not going to. So I do something I’ve never done before. I offer someone a job while I’m naked. "You did a nice job as spokesperson during the campaign, and I think you'd be a great –"
"No," she says loudly, cutting me off.
"I was just going to offer you…”
"I can't,” she says, cutting me off again.
I take my hand off her stomach and stare at her. “You can't what?"
She bites her lip a little bit and looks away from my eyes for a second, then meets them again. "I need to tell you about a conversation I had today."
Holy hell, she got offered another job! What the hell? I distance myself from her and tell myself not to yell. I can’t believe this is happening; she’s leaving me again. This can’t be happening. "A conversation with whom?" I say as calmly as possible.
"Mrs. Santos."
"Mrs. Santos? Helen Santos?" I squeak out. I went away for one day and Helen Santos stole Donna out from underneath me?
She nods the slightest bit. "She wants me to be her chief of staff. She told me I'd be good for the job. Apparently I'm her first choice." Donna was who the President-elect was talking about on Saturday?
I look down at her fiddling nervously with the sheets. She’s nervous about my reaction. I take a deep breath and look back up at her. "Is that something you'd want to do?” I ask in a voice that sounds stronger than it is.
"It would be an honor," she says with a small smile. "Though it's not something I would've thought I was qualified for."
Part of me wants to tell her she’s not qualified. That she’s good but not quite ready, and that she should come and work as my deputy press secretary for a few years first. But it’d be a lie and as much as I want her near me, I’m not enough of a bastard to crush her like that. So I put my hand back on her and quietly and sincerely say, "You're qualified to do a lot of things, Donna."
"You really think so?"
Yes, which is just one of the reasons I’ve always done my best to keep her so close. I try to smile and hope I succeed. "Yeah. I do."
**********
I look over at the clock at
I actually came up with a few ways last night with which I might be able to convince her to stay. I could ask her to be press secretary. She might take that over the First Lady’s chief of staff. If Sam doesn’t take the deputy job, I’d be giving it to her anyway. And if he does, I could offer Annabeth media director. I could maybe offer her legislative director. I don’t know if that would be enough to make her stay, and I’d have to convince the President-elect that she’d be better at it than Amy, but it’s at least a possibility.
She moves a little, sighing and turning her head on my chest so that her breath hits it each time she breathes out. I put one of my hands in her hair and remind myself that her taking the job with Mrs. Santos could make this thing with us easier. There wouldn’t be rumors of impropriety or special treatment or Donna sleeping her way to the top. But if she were working in the west wing with me, we’d see each other every day. Donna grounds me, keeps me sane, calms me… it might be selfish but I don’t want her a wing away from me.
The clock turns from
We get ready for work together, which definitely falls under the category of new. She comes into the bathroom while I’m brushing my teeth and does the same right next to me. She dries her hair while wearing only a bra and her pants while I’m trying to concentrate on shaving at the same sink. She even takes the tie I’m putting on out of my hands and gives me another instead. It’s… domestic like, and while it’s not at all bad, it’s certainly not something we’ve ever done before, and I find myself in a state of bewilderment most of the morning. For instance, am I allowed to kiss her shoulder while it’s naked? Is it ok to stare at her breasts? Am I supposed to share the newspaper? Can she pick out my clothes every morning?
**********
“By appointing Swayne, you’re sending a message that you want to be the President to everyone, not just those who voted for you,” Barry Goodwin says to the President-elect once we’ve met with both Swayne and Miller. “It’s an immediate step towards bipartisanship.”
“It’s not about bipartisanship,” I say, ignoring Barry’s glare and looking at the President-elect. “You appoint a republican to the be the Secretary of Defense and you’re sending a statement to the American public that when it comes to war, weapons, foreign relations, the armed services… republicans are better equipped to handle it.”
“I think I’m telling them I want the best man for the job, regardless of his party affiliation.”
“No, you’re telling them that if we go to war they would’ve been better off with the other guy.”
“Swayne’s familiar with
I put my head down and rub at the back of my neck. I need some Advil. “Miller has two months to get up to speed on
“
I look over at Barry like he’s lost his mind. “Have you forgotten the peace-keeping mission in the
“Ok,” the President-elect says. “I’m going to think about this for the next few days before I decide for sure. Where are we on Agriculture?”
**********
I hate this place. And what’s even more… she knows I hate this place. The posh upper crowd drinking martinis and eating quiche, the wait staff acting as though you’re nothing but a bother, twenty dollars for a salad that’s less than filling... But of course this is where she’d choose. It’s good for her to be seen with the next chief of staff and this is definitely the place to be seen.
She’s sitting at a strategically placed table looking over her menu when I arrive, and doesn’t even look at me before making my headache worse. “You haven’t called Sarah.”
“No. The President-elect said…”
“Call her, Josh. She’s the best you can do, really.”
I’m tempted to tell Amy that dating Sarah would interfere with my dating Donna. Just to see the look on her face. “I’m not here to talk about Sarah.”
She looks at me over her menu. “Legislative Director.”
“Yes. The President-elect said he mentioned it to you.”
“Offered it to me, you mean.”
I shake my head as our waitress approaches. “No.”
The waitress takes our drink orders and as soon as she’s gone, Amy leans back in her chair as though she’s interviewing me instead of the other way around. “That’s what it sounded like to me.”
“Then you misinterpreted him.”
“Meaning… you told him not to hire me.”
“Meaning… he asked me to talk to you about the position and give him my recommendation. You’re one of several people we’re considering.”
“The others are all men, I’m sure,” she says dismissively.
I point to her. “See that? Right there, that’s why we’re not sold on you.”
“Women are 60% of your vote.”
“Actually, women were 51% of our vote, but that’s not what I’m talking about.”
She rolls her eyes and looks over at the wall. “What are you talking about then?”
“I can’t just worry about women, Amy. And our legislative agenda can’t be focused on women. It’s not all about welfare and abortion rights. What ideas do you have concerning children, education, men’s health issues, foreign adoption policies, gay marriage, immigration reform? Can you make it about the country?”
She crosses her arms over her chest defiantly. “I don’t need to justify myself to you, Joshua. If the President-elect…”
I lean forward and cut her off. “Actually, you do,” I say quietly. “You’d answer to me, not to him.” She scoffs and I lean back. “If you can’t work under me there’s nothing else to discuss.”
“Excuse me? Unlike the rest of your staff, I know you. I’ve slept with you Josh. You can’t really expect me to…”
“I don’t expect you to do anything, Amy. But my staff will listen to me, they will respect me, and they will put the administration’s interests above their own.”
She stands up and glares at me. “I think we’re done here.”
“I agree,” I say with the hint of a smirk on my face.
“I’m going to talk to the President-elect.”
I nod. “Good luck with that.”
**********
Mallory stops by the office around
“I hope I’m not interrupting anything.”
“No, of course not.” I turn and shut the door, then clean off a chair and pull it up near my desk. “Have a seat.”
“Thanks,” she says quietly, sitting down and shifting the baby so it’s leaning against her chest.
I sit on the edge of my desk and watch her for several long moments. She looks sad, but good as a mother, and I find myself reaching for the tie Donna handed me to wear this morning and smoothing it down. “How’re you doing?”
She nods and tries to smile, but it fades and she’s quiet again.
When I can’t take the silence any longer, I say, “It was nice to meet your husband last week.”
She smiles faintly. “He’s been really wonderful.”
“Good.”
It’s quiet again until the baby makes some sort of noise and Mallory holds it out in front of her. “Have you met Allison?” she asks me while looking at the baby.
My eyes widen a little. “No, I…” I trail off as Mallory stands up.
“Would you… like to hold her?” My eyes widen and not knowing what else to do, I hold out my arms and Mallory carefully puts Leo’s granddaughter into them.
I find that I really can’t speak. I’ve never been great with kids, which isn’t to say I don’t like kids. I just don’t have much experience with them. But this… holding Leo’s granddaughter… it’s left me speechless.
“You got her?”
I nod and turn her a little bit so she’s against my chest. She looks at me and then sticks her hand out and grabs a small fistful of my hair. Mallory laughs a little, which is nice, and gently untangles me from the baby’s hand. “She’s… how old is she now?”
“She was six months on Friday,” she answers solemnly, putting a towel over my shoulder. After a few seconds, Allison lays her head down and I strain my neck to look at her.
Mallory sits back down and I walk carefully behind my desk and sit down as well, leaning back a little bit and awkwardly patting Allison’s back.
“I just… I wanted to thank you.”
I look up at her. “For what?”
“For being there at the hospital and helping with the arrangements and for…” she stops and wipes her eyes with the tip of her finger. “He loved it Josh. Loved running and being a part of all of this. Thank you… for that.”
I don’t trust my voice enough to say anything, so I nod and close my eyes for a second, resting my cheek on top of the baby’s head. She’s soft and warm and breathes loudly and I can’t help thinking that she’s never going to know her grandfather. “You’re dad meant the world to me,” I say quietly a minute later.
“I know,” she whispers, nodding.
“I’m not quite sure what I’m going to do here without him.”
She nods again and looks down into her lap. “Neither am I.”
**********
There hasn’t been time to think today. I’ve rushed from one meeting to the next, from one phone call to the next, from one strategy session to the next. I haven’t heard from Sam, Lou’s still avoiding any talk of a job within the administration, and I’ve spent the entire day with a headache that won’t go away. Things are still up in the air with the Secretary of Defense appointment, I had to have lunch with Amy, and then Mallory came by.
It’s
I stare out the window of a cab the entire way home, thinking about Leo’s granddaughter. I know Donna was right when she told me no one could ever make Leo do something he didn’t want to do, but… he never would’ve considered it. No one ever would’ve considered it if I’d just kept my mouth shut.
My head is pounding by the time the cab drops me off and I’m so exhausted that I’m not sure I’m going to make it up the stairs. But I do, dragging my book bag behind me because I don’t have the strength to pull it up to my shoulder.
When I walk inside, Donna’s got something playing on the stereo, but I don’t see her. I drop my book bag by the door before heading into the kitchen in hopes of finding some left over Chinese or anything else that might be edible.
“Hey stranger,” she says from the refrigerator when I walk into the kitchen.
She’s still dressed in the outfit she wore to work. She must not have left much earlier than me. “Is there any Chinese left?”
She pulls out the two white take-out containers and sets them on the counter. “A little. You want me to heat it up?”
I walk over and open them. Neither has more than a few bites left, so I throw them away and start searching the cupboards for some soup or something.
“I heard Mallory came to see you today.”
“Yeah,” I say distractedly. “She brought the baby.”
“That’s nice.” I close the cupboard and turn around to face her. “You look beat,” she says when she gets a good look at me.
“I’m just hungry,” I mumble, walking past her into the living room and picking up my keys off the table by the door. I open the door and wait for her, but she doesn’t follow me. Finally, I turn around and see her still standing in the doorway to the kitchen, watching me. “Are we going to get some dinner?”
She walks up to me and runs her hand down my arm. “What’s wrong?”
I look off towards the stereo. “I’m tired and hungry and I have a headache. Let’s just go.”
“I can…” she stops and studies me for a second. “Did you hear from Sam today?”
“No.” I don’t have a chief of staff, a communications director, or a deputy press secretary. I’m going to have to talk to David Graden. Just another thing Barry Goodwin will be pleased about.
“Is it Swayne?”
And that’s when I snap. “I have to talk about this stuff all day at work, Donna. Is it too much to ask to not have to re-live it at home?”
Her eyes widen and her shoulders stiffen. “You’re not allowed to talk to me that way.” I just stare at her and she continues. “I want to support you and be here for you, Josh, but you can’t…”
“You don’t want to support me or be here for me,” I spit out. “You’re just like the rest of them, leaving when I need you the most. I’m about to do the hardest thing of my life and you… how is it so easy for you to just walk away from me?”
I practically yell this and the room goes deafly quiet while Donna looks at me with unbelieving eyes, succeeding in making me feel like a schmuck.
I close my eyes and rub my palm hard over my face. “I’m …”
“Don’t.” she says in a soft, commanding voice. I open my eyes and look at her again, but I can’t meet her eyes, and after several seconds of hard silence, she picks her purse up off the table and walks out.
“Donna…”
“I’m going to CJ’s,” she says without looking back.
**********
Sometimes my selfishness completely blows me away. I look at things I’ve done and I can’t even believe it was me who did them. I wouldn’t yell at Donna because I had a bad day, and I certainly wouldn’t make her feel like a traitor because she got offered a wonderful job that she deserves and would be amazing at. That had to be someone else. Some other bastard who doesn’t know what he has in her, who wasn’t held together by her last week when his second father died. It had to be someone else, because I would never hurt her like that.
I collapse on the couch after she leaves, falling in and out of a fitful sleep and wondering how I’m going to make it up to her. I don’t even know how to apologize. Should I be sorry as her friend, the guy she’s dating, sleeping with, living with… should I be sorry for yelling at her, betraying her trust, not supporting her… I don’t even know where to begin.
I finally drag my ass off the couch at
I let the hot water beat down on me, hoping it will wake me up since I haven’t slept more than three or four hours total in the last two nights. Donna’s shampoo is in here and I pick it up and read the label. Mango… I’ve always wondered what that amazing smell was. I briefly wonder if I should take it to her, but I like the way it looks in here and I have no intentions of not having her here tonight, so I leave it and her toothbrush and everything else she left here last night.
While I’m showering, my stomach starts growling and I remember that I was starving last night and still haven’t eaten, so once I’m dressed I walk into the kitchen and turn on the coffee maker, then go to the fridge to see if I have anything that can serve as breakfast.
Crap.
She went grocery shopping. There’s Yoo Hoo and beer in the refrigerator, as well as some bread and a bag of apples. And in the freezer, there are two frozen pizzas and some frozen waffles. I’m such an ass.
Thirty minutes later I’m knocking on CJ’s door. Starbucks isn’t open yet, and neither are any florists, but I have a cup of Folgers from my place and I ordered flowers for her from 1-800-flowers.com that she’ll get later today. It’s a quarter till five and even if Donna doesn’t kill me, CJ or the secret service probably will, but this can’t wait. I let it wait once before and she started working for Bingo Bob.
When CJ answers the door, she’s wearing a robe and a look of death, but I don’t let it stand in my way. “I need to talk to her, CJ.”
“So help me, Josh. If you’re drunk…”
“I need to talk to her.”
She looks at me with an evil glare. “If I go wake her up, is she going to want to talk to you?”
“No, but I need you to wake her up anyway.”
“Josh…”
“I’m awake,” we both hear Donna say as she walks into the foyer.
I look over at her. She’s wearing pink flannel pajama bottoms and a pink t-shirt and I realize that she must’ve still had things here, which doesn’t feel right. Her things should be at my place.
“I’m going to take a shower,” CJ says before retreating back into the apartment.
I wait until CJ’s gone before thrusting the coffee out towards her Donna blurting out, “I’m sorry.”
She takes the cup from me and stares at it, unimpressed. “It’s early, Josh.”
“Just… hear me out. Two minutes. Then you can slam the door in my face.”
She doesn’t say anything, but after a second she opens the door and steps aside to let me in.
I take a deep breath before starting. This is gonna hurt, especially this first sentence. “I’m frightened that I can’t do this job. The President-elect isn’t listening to me, Barry Goodwin’s trying to push me out, I’m having staffing nightmares that include being forced to hire Amy Gardner and I held Leo’s granddaughter yesterday.”
She shakes her head and starts to say something, but I keep going.
“And not one of those things gives me an excuse to talk to you the way I did.”
“No,” she says quietly but firmly.
“And I have no right, none at all, to expect you sacrifice your career to help me with mine and no right at all to make you feel guilty for not wanting to. You were offered a career-defining job that you’re more than qualified to do and I should be the first one to stand up and tell you how proud of you I am.”
“Yes, you should be.”
“Then let me say it. I’m proud of you. Unbelievably proud. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I took things out on you instead of letting you in. I’m sorry that I undermined your work and accused you of something you’d never do. And I’m sorry that I let you leave when I should’ve been begging you to stay.”